What Is Done
by Alan Harnum
Summary: Near the end of the Student Council arc, Nanami faces a dilemma. Spoilers up until episode 12.


Shoujo Kakumei Utena 

WHAT IS DONE   
  
by   
  
Alan Harnum   
  
Utena and its characters belongs to Be-PaPas, Chiho Saito,   
Shogakukan, Shokaku Iinkai and TV Tokyo. 

E-mail : harnums@thekeep.org 

Transpacific Fanfiction: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/transp.html 

Utena Fanfiction Repository: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/UFR/ 

* * * 

You have to understand, it isn't that I have any especial hatred   
for cats. 

I'm not very fond of animals in general. 

I've had some bad experiences with them. 

Don't ask. 

Not that you could ask. 

After all, you're only a kitten. 

A cute little tabby kitten. 

A harmless little tabby kitten. 

I think Oniisama likes you. 

Not the same way he liked the other kitten, though. 

He has a better pet now. 

Which is why I'm the one feeding you. 

Won't you drink your milk? 

I poured it for you. 

Is that why you won't drink it? 

Do you know what I am? 

Do you know what I did? 

Animals, I've heard, can sense earthquakes before they   
happen. 

Maybe they can do the same kind of thing with people. 

Why are you crying like that? 

Do you miss Oniisama? 

Do you want to know why he's ignoring you, when he was so   
fond of you before? 

Poor little thing. 

I can sympathize. 

I can understand. 

Come back here. Drink your milk. Don't you like this tuna?   
I opened the can just for you. Aren't you hungry? Why won't you   
eat? You aren't very old. Perhaps you aren't old enough to be   
away from your mother. 

That's just the kind of thing she'd do, the horrid girl.   
Taking an animal away from his mother before he was ready.   
Taking it away from the siblings who love it. 

I hate her. 

He was in her room last night. 

I wondered why he had the servants air out the guest room a   
few days ago, and put fresh sheets on the bed. 

He was in her room last night. I know. I listened. I was   
right outside. I heard his footsteps in the hallway; it always   
wakes me when he moves around at night. 

Oniisama doesn't know how much I follow him. How much I   
watch him. 

I listened. 

Or maybe he does know, and doesn't care. 

Where are you going... come back here! Don't hide under   
there, you'll get all dusty... yes, that's right. Drink your   
milk. 

I listened. She never made a sound. Oniisama did. 

Does he really like that? 

I don't see how anyone could like... that. 

It's nasty and dirty. 

I bet it hurts. 

It probably hurts a lot. 

I don't want to think about it any more. 

You drank that milk fast, didn't you? Don't you like tuna?   
I thought cats were all supposed to like tuna. I hate tuna. I   
opened this can for nothing. Now I'll have to throw it out. 

I wonder what Oniisama was doing by the incinerator a few   
days ago? 

I don't think he knows I saw him burning something. I don't   
know what it was. After he left, I was going to run and check.   
But Arisugawa-sempai got there first. 

I wonder why she was watching Oniisama. 

I bet she's secretly in love with my brother. That's why   
she doesn't have a boyfriend. She probably only ran for student   
council to try and get closer to my brother. 

She'll be sorry if she comes between me and my brother. 

Why did she walk away from the incinerator looking angry? 

I wonder what Oniisama was burning? 

By the time I got there, there were only ashes left. 

I didn't want to go to school today. 

I didn't go yesterday, either. 

Tenjou Utena beat me. I want to kill her. 

My brother beat her. I'm glad he did. But he brought the   
Rose Bride home. 

He was in her room last night. 

I listened. 

I don't want to think about it any more. 

I hope it hurt her a lot. 

But she never made a sound. 

Maybe it hurts her so much that she can't even cry out. 

I hope so. I hope it hurts her that much... hey! 

Don't do that. You'll tear the epaulettes. They aren't for   
playing with. 

I don't even know why I'm still wearing this uniform. It's   
a little tight in places. Big brother should have asked me for   
my measurements before he had it made. But that would have   
ruined the surprise. 

If I'm going to keep on wearing it, I should have it   
refitted. 

I'm going to keep on wearing it, because Oniisama gave it to   
me. I'm going to keep on wearing this ring, too, because   
Oniisama wants me to. 

I would do anything for Oniisama. 

It's only right. 

No one loves him like I do. No one ever could love him like   
I do. Who has known him longer, who has loved him longer, than I   
have? It's only fair. 

Anyone who comes between me and my brother will be sorry. 

I said, don't do that... here, look. String! Cats like to   
play with string, don't they? Come on, get the string... no, not   
the decorative cord, the string! Now you've pulled it loose...   
hold on... stop that! Bad kitty! 

Oh, you can't understand me anyway. 

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout. 

You're too little to know what you've done wrong. 

I wonder if he'll go to her room again tonight. 

I'll have to follow him and listen if he does. I can do   
nothing but. 

If Tenjou Utena or someone else beat Oniisama in a Duel,   
they'd take the Rose Bride away from him. 

But I don't want Oniisama to lose. 

When we were little, we used to play checkers together.   
Oniisama always won. I wasn't very good. I thought Oniisama   
would like a challenging opponent better. So I practiced on my   
own. I made the servants play games with me. One time, I even   
got Daddy to play a game with me when he was home from one of   
his trips. 

I got too good, though. After I beat Oniisama once, he   
never wanted to play again. 

It was all my fault. 

I feel like something's being ripped apart inside me, like   
someone's taken my heart in both of their hands and is trying to   
pull it into two pieces. 

I don't want to think about it any more. 

I'm going to go for a walk by the river. 

Would you like to come with me? 

No, I guess not. You can't walk a cat like you do a dog. 

Does Oniisama just let you wander around the house? 

Where does he keep your litter box, anyway? 

I don't want to have to take care of you. I don't even know   
why I'm doing it. 

You should be grateful. 

* * * 

It's very sunny. 

How dare it be sunny, when I'm so sad, and how dare the   
river be so bright and clean? 

It's not fair. 

No one cares how I feel. 

Sometimes, I think even Oniisama doesn't care how I feel.   
  
He's just sitting in the drawing room, listening to his   
records. And to a recording of his own voice. Over and over   
again. 

He doesn't respond when I try to talk to him.   
  
I hate Tenjou Utena more than anyone else in the whole   
entire world. 

You're very quiet. I wonder if you're asleep in there. It   
must be hard to sleep in a box like that, while you're being   
carried. 

Nobody is around.   
  
It's only seven-thirty, but already it's so bright.   
  
I don't even know why I brought you with me.   
  
Maybe there's a pet shop I can give you away to.   
  
Or I could just let you go in the park. After that, I'm not   
responsible for what happens to you. 

It's not you.   
  
Really, I almost like you.   
  
You're nice. For an animal.   
  
I'm going to sit down on the banks of the river, on the sun-   
warmed concrete banks, and take you out of your box. And then... 

I don't know what, then.   
  
It's not you.   
  
It's just that nothing can come between my brother and I.   
  
No matter how small, no matter how innocent.   
  
You _are_ asleep.   
  
How small you are.   
  
I can feel your heart beat against my hands like the wings   
of a bird. 

How small you are.   
  
When you open your eyes, it's as though you're seeing the   
sun for the very first time. 

Someone is approaching.   
  
How small you are.   
  
"Good morning, Miki-kun."   
  
"Nanami-san; good morning."   
  
Miki looks so surprised to see me. He's got a paper bag   
of groceries in his arms, with a loaf of French bread poking out   
the top. 

"Do you always get up this early on holidays, Miki-kun?"   
  
Miki-kun has a nice smile. "I sometimes get up early on   
weekends and holidays so I can go out and get fresh food to make   
a special breakfast for Kozue-chan and I... hey, is that the   
kitten Himemiya-san gave Touga-sempai for his birthday?" 

I can't say it isn't; the question is merely rhetorical.   
Miki knows it's the same kitten, of course. 

What is he thinking?   
  
Does he wonder why I'm sitting here with you in my lap, with   
a cardboard box beside me? 

Does he know what I am?   
  
Does he know what I did?   
  
Miki-kun might. He's smart. Maybe almost as smart as   
Oniisama. He shows it more, too; I end up feeling dumb just   
talking to him, most of the time. 

He's cute, too. And he plays the piano beautifully.   
  
But he's weak. Not strong like my brother. He's still just   
a boy. My brother is a man. And Miki's in love with that witch   
Himemiya; he has incredibly poor taste, then. 

I don't like his sister, either. Whenever she and Miki are   
together, if I even say "hello" to Miki, she looks at me like   
I've done something awful. I don't understand it at all. 

Is he going to ask me what I'm doing here with you? 

Instead, he just sits down beside me, and holds a finger out   
for you to bat at. Miki-kun has lovely fingers; long and strong   
and agile. I'd watch him play the piano just to see his fingers   
move.   
  
"He's so cute. Were you taking him for a walk, Nanami-san?"   
  
Yes; a walk. Thank you, Miki-kun; you gave me an answer.   
Did you do it on purpose? I can't ever know; you're so much   
smarter than I am. 

Do you know what I am?   
  
Do you know what I did?   
  
"Can I hold him?"   
  
Of course you can hold him. You can have him, if you want.   
  
But I can't say that out loud. 

"So cute... hey, that tickles. Wasn't that a thoughtful   
present for Himemiya-san to get Touga-sempai?" 

You know what my answer is without my needing to speak,   
Miki-kun, so why should I bother? Does my silence make you   
uncomfortable? You hate conflict so much. You really don't   
understand why everyone shouldn't be nice to everyone else, do   
you? 

And you never will.   
  
You're so weak.   
  
"You don't like Himemiya-san very much, do you, Nanami-san?"   
  
"No, I don't."   
  
How you wince at that, Miki-kun; at my words, at my tone, at   
the look upon my face. It's as if I've stabbed you right in your   
inmost heart. 

"I wish you could get along with Himemiya-san and Tenjou-   
sempai better, Nanami-san. It would be nice if you could be a   
good friend to Himemiya-san... it would make me very happy." 

So soft, so sad... oh, Miki-kun, so sweet, so weak.   
  
"They're both such weird girls. I don't understand how   
anyone can like them at all." 

It's so easy to hurt you with a word, Miki-kun. I could cut   
you so deep, right down to the bone, and you'd never even strike   
back against me, would you? 

"Here; hold him again, would you?"   
  
The kitten fell asleep in Miki's arms. How small he is, if   
Miki-kun's arms are big enough for him fall asleep in. 

"Would you like some apple?"   
  
"Yes. I'm kind of hungry."   
  
As if I never said anything to hurt you at all. I wonder   
where all that hurting goes for you? I could never keep it all   
inside, like you must. Perhaps it comes out when I don't see; I   
don't believe that's possible, though. You couldn't have a dark   
side. 

You buff the apple on your shirt until it glows crimson,   
bite into it once, then pass it to me. Sweet and crisp; my   
mouth is upon the flesh, where once your mouth was. An indirect   
kiss? 

If I said that out loud, you would blush red as this apple's   
skin.   
  
You're such a boy.   
  
"You know, if you're going to take Touga-sempai's kitten for   
walks in the future, you should get him a cat leash. I saw one   
in a pet store, once." 

"I'm just taking care of him for a little while."   
  
"Oh. How is Touga-sempai, by the way?"   
  
Can I be honest with anyone about that? No; not even you,   
Miki-kun. I can't risk exposing a weak point in my brother to   
anyone; even to you. "He's fine." 

"How are his efforts to get Saionji-sempai readmitted   
going?"   
  
"Fine."   
  
I can't blame Kyouchi-san for what happened. He's   
Oniisama's friend. He would never do something like that on   
purpose. 

It was all Tenjou Utena's fault.   
  
I hate her so much.   
  
"Are you okay, Nanami-san?"   
  
"What makes you ask that?"   
  
"I don't know." But you do, of course. "You just seem...   
distracted. Another bite?" 

"I'm just wondering what's going to happen next." The   
apple is finished; I toss it away into the river, where it bobs   
slowly upon the turgid flow. 

"Nanami-san, we should have thrown that away in a compost   
bin." Your voice is not quite chiding; you could never bear to   
get truly angry at anyone, could you, Miki-kun? 

"A fish will eat it."   
  
"Do fish eat apple cores?"   
  
"I bet a big one would."   
  
The apple core bobs, sinks.   
  
"I'm wondering what's going to happen next too. Now that   
we, that is, the Council members and you, have each faced Tenjou   
Utena in at least one Duel... what next?" So pensive you look...   
it doesn't suit you. You're too young. "What is coming next   
from Ends of the World?" 

"Miki-kun... who is Ends of the World?"   
  
"None of us know... Ends of the World sends the letters   
that instruct is in the proper ways of the Revolution." 

"What is the Revolution?"   
  
"None of us really know. Ends of the World tells us that   
whoever brings the Revolution will gain great power." 

"And you believe Ends of the World because...?"   
  
"Everything Ends of the World tells us in his letters has   
come true so far. The Arena, the castle in the sky... these are   
miraculous things. Wondrous things. The power to Revolutionize   
the world is surely wondrous as well." 

"What would you do with that power, Miki, if you attained   
it?" 

Such nervous laughter. To attain that power, you must   
fight... and you hate fighting, don't you? So weak. 

"I haven't really thought of it." But you have, I know you   
have. "I suppose I'd make everything more beautiful than it is   
now. What about you?" 

"I don't even know. I only Dueled because Oniisama wanted   
me to." What a lovely dream you live in, Miki-kun... to make   
everything more beautiful. Could that be my dream, as well? 

No.   
  
Some things can never be beautiful.   
  
Some things don't deserve to be beautiful.   
  
"You're really devoted to your brother, aren't you, Nanami-   
san?" 

"I am. But you're the same way about your sister, aren't   
you, Miki-kun?" 

Why do you look so uncomfortable?   
  
"I don't think I feel the same way about Kozue that you feel   
about Touga-sempai, Nanami." 

Why do you say it like that?   
  
"Oh? And how exactly do I feel about Oniisama that's so   
different from how you feel about Kozue-san, Miki-kun?" 

"Kittens sure sleep a lot, don't they?"   
  
So weak.   
  
"Yes, they certainly do."   
  
Click.   
  
What is with that stopwatch, anyway? Someday, I'll have to   
corner you and ask you--and not let you go until you give me a   
straight answer. 

"Kozue will be wondering where I am." So apologetic; as if   
you really do hate to go. But you're relieved, aren't you?   
Though you try not to show it, so well that it doesn't show at   
all. But I know, Miki-kun; I know. "I should go." 

"Miki-kun, before you go..."   
  
"Yes, Nanami-san?" You're already on your feet, with the   
groceries in your arms. So eager to leave. It hurts me, almost. 

"Do you think someone can do something so bad that it can   
never be forgiven?" 

I don't even know why I asked that.   
  
"I suppose it depends on who they need to be forgiven by."   
You look at me thoughtfully; I've never seen you look at me like   
that before, as though I were deep waters for your gaze, as   
though I were a mirror of bright silver. 

I like it.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
And you sit back down again.   
  
"Well, I think there's two kinds of forgiveness: the   
conditional kind, and the absolute kind. You can give yourself   
the first kind, and so can other people... but it's never   
absolute. Absolute forgiveness can only be given by... I don't   
know. The Universe. God. Natural Law. Karma. Choose your own   
metaphysical absolute." You laugh; I don't understand why it's   
funny, but if I laugh along, will you no longer think I'm so   
dumb? 

"There's a difference, too, between being forgiven and being   
forgivable. Just because you can't forgive yourself now, or   
people can't forgive you now... that doesn't mean that in the   
future, you won't be forgiven." 

"That's not what I was asking, though."   
  
"Oh? What were you asking, then?"   
  
"Can someone do something so bad that it can never be   
forgiven?" 

"That's a hard question." You purse your lips and close   
your eyes, as though you're going to lean in for a kiss. But   
you're only thinking; I know that. "I don't think I can answer   
it comfortably. Do I think unforgivable actions exist? I don't   
know. Every action has to be considered within its context to   
establish its morality... I think. But... I don't know. I   
can't think of any situation where hurting a little child, or a   
harmless animal would be... right." 

Oh, Miki-kun, you do know how to cut me after all. 

Do you know what I am?   
  
Do you know what I did?   
  
So deep and so clean that's there's no blood, so you don't   
even notice, so you just keep on talking. 

"But forgiveness isn't really about morality; it's about   
compassion. It's not as though people can go back and change the   
things they did, and I can't stand to think of someone having to   
suffer forever for what they did in the past, no matter what it   
was. It's less about the one being forgiven than it is about the   
one who forgives. So, no, I don't think someone can do something   
so bad that it can never be forgiven. By themselves, by others,   
or by--" 

"Their own personal metaphysical absolute."   
  
I said something right, because you laugh, and your eyes   
catch the sunlight and gleam. So cute. Such a boy. So sweet.   
So weak. 

"Anyway... I really have to go now. I've got to make   
breakfast for Kozue and I, and then I have some research to do   
in the Nemuro Memorial Hall archives. I'll see you around,   
Nanami-san." 

"Bye, Miki-kun."   
  
You shine so bright.   
  
So much brighter than I.   
  
You don't know what I am.   
  
You don't know what I did.   
  
I'm glad for that.   
  
* * * 

"Oniisama, I brought your kitten." 

The room is full of music slow and sad. Oniisama is in his   
chair. He has the servants bring him food. I assume he must   
leave when I go to school sometimes; he has to wash and use the   
bathroom, after all. 

"I thought it might cheer you up."   
  
He takes you without a word and holds you on his lap. His   
hands listlessly stroke your fur.   
  
"What are you listening to? It's very sad."   
  
  
  
"You know, maybe if you listened to some happier music,   
you'd feel better. This is all... slow and depressing." 

You curl up in his lap. You're so small. You fit there   
just perfectly. I'm jealous.   
  
"Would you like to borrow some of my pop albums? They   
sometimes make me feel better, when I'm depressed."   
  
  
  
"Maybe you should open the curtains, too. Let some sun in."   
  
"Dvorák."   
  
"What's that, Oniisama?"   
  
"It's Dvorák. That I'm listening to."   
  
"What's Dvorák?"   
  
"Not what. Who."   
  
"Oh."   
  
My brother has strange taste in music.   
  
"Oniisama--"   
  
"Get out of here, Nanami."   
  
"W-what?"   
  
"And take... this... with you. I'm not interested in it. I   
stopped being interested in silly little animals like this years   
ago." 

"But... at your party..."   
  
"I pretended, to make Tenjou and Himemiya happy. People do   
that kind of thing, you know, Nanami." 

Oniisama lifts your tiny body in one hand, as though he's   
going to dash you against the floor. 

How small you are.   
  
How big his hand is.   
  
Then he gives you to me.   
  
"Get out of here."   
  
No one can cut me deeper than you, Oniisama.   
  
I don't even know if you know how deep you cut.   
  
Or if you care.   
  
You've grown beyond the childish things we used to have.   
  
All you care about these days are the Rose Bride and the   
Revolution and... that. 

Oh, how I hate to think of you doing... that.   
  
It's so disgusting.   
  
It's so filthy.   
  
It must hurt so much.   
  
I guess I have to grow up too, if I want you to keep loving   
me. 

I've been reading the charter of the Student Council   
recently. 

There are some useful rules about siblings of members acting   
as proxies. 

It's almost as though they were written just for you and me,   
Oniisama. 

* * * 

"Nanami-sama, what are you incinerating?" 

"Tsuwabuki-kun! You surprised me; don't sneak up on me so   
quietly like that."   
  
"Huh? What's wrong, Nanami-sama?"   
  
"Oh, nothing. It's just an old box I was getting rid of.   
Come on, let's go. What's on my schedule next?"   
  
"You have a test on the periodic table today... here's your   
crib sheet. You can stick it to the bottom of your shoe with   
this adhesive tape. After that, you've got lunch; I made you   
sushi today, because you said you only wanted something light   
before the Council meeting." 

"You didn't put any tuna sushi in, did you?"   
  
"No, Nanami-sama; I know you don't like tuna."   
  
"Good."   
  
"Why were you burning an old box, anyway, Nanami-sama?"   
  
"...that's none of your business."   
  
"Okay. Next, you have..."   
  
I don't even know why I did it.   
  
If everything can be forgiven, then I have nothing to be   
sorry for. Thus, why should I need to change, or do penance, or   
suffer any longer for what is done and cannot be undone? 

So why did I do it?   
  
"You can stay in here for now."   
  
"We may need the room again sometime soon, so don't think   
it's forever." 

"And your litter box is right over there; I've instructed   
the maid to clean it every day, so don't think you have any   
excuse for making a mess on the carpet." 

"I can't have you wandering all over the house, you know."   
  
"And I'm very busy with the Council, so don't think I'll be   
coming to visit you every day, or something." 

"Don't look at me like that. You'll get fed. The maid will   
do that." 

"Stop that. That piping is decorative; it is not a cat   
toy." 

"Now you've ripped it; I'm going to have to get that sewn up   
before the next Council meeting, which is, by the way, in a   
little less than an hour."   
  
"Damn cat."   
  
"I don't even like you very much."   
  
"Damn cat."   
  
"Damn cat."   
  
I don't even know why.   
  
END 


End file.
